Skimpie's Blog

Life of a silent poet


July 2016


You don’t get life you most probably never will, you say it is unfair and judge life unaware. Without knowing the master plan, you try to make a better plan. It will overcome every plan for the master plan is the only plan, A lost soul wandering in such a cold. The world is crazy no doubt it’s bad, whenever you are hurt then time seems to drag. However stand tall never give up and fight for what you believe in, never let little worries break you because I know you stronger than that, I know you better than that, and believe in you more than that. Such a point, such a point it feels like there is no way out of, drenched in fear anticipating good will, how often does one have to be placed at such a point where there is no directions and nowhere to turn, and you knock at every door but nobody seems to hear. Suddenly the world is deafened to your cries and blinded to you red eyes.




A was my grade and I’ve never seen a “B”, one day after exam I was shocked at what was there to see. A big red B right before me. This was deeper than ink on a page I fell a little lower but broke even deeper. I never knew my value to grades till the day my “A” turned into a “B”. I never felt like going on, my aims were lower and then it dropped. Many have told me to try a little harder, but that never helped I guess I have given up. One “B” is all it took, and then I dropped lowed to “C” then “D” and everything in between I was never so determined to do absolutely nothing. My hopes were low; I guess I never wanted to try again. I was too afraid of disappointment. To work hard and sit on a “B” life was falling apart i had lost my “A” suddenly it seemed like “A” was my purpose. So ashamed am I of my failure I’ve never told a being of who I once was, and let them judge me by what they saw. I mean who would believe me, who do you think would believe my sad story of the painful  “B”



Maybe I do want you to screw up… and walk away when we both had enough, but for right now; this moment, this time. I promise to love you like I’m yours and you’re mine, I try to see the future together but I’m not sure if we can make it to forever. I don’t know why, but I’m always so negative and seem so rejective… because I know you try, because when you hurt I cry… you got to look in front to know what’s up ahead, I want to chance with you, live for now and make it count. What if there isn’t an “us” in the time to come, let’s give now meaning, arm to arm. You don’t dream but I do, in my best dreams I dream of you. I’m still in the dark but I am not trying to see the light even you work so hard. I guess love changes the plan, I mean look how things happen. Like talking to a stranger, well aware of the danger but I do it anyway, cause you listen to what I say. I close my eyes so you don’t the tears, I always smile so you don’t know my fears, or maybe you do but you waiting for me to tell you. We did it more than once I gave it another chance. It’s like there is more to say but we don’t know the way. I try to push you away, you neither go nor stay. Why does it seem like my dreams are on a journey that goes nowhere, my dreams seem so filled but you’re not there. I’m singing a song I don’t know the words to, I’m dressed as a solider but I don’t know what to do, I’m fighting a war I am destined to lose, are we going to fast, have we forgotten the past, it might have not had pain, but isn’t love a building game, we all know it by its name. The guts to shoot, right now my hearts on mute. When does life make sense and confusion is past tense, how I can move on for if I lose who won. This is where I don’t say what I want to say so badly, my last note to this shattered soul who failed without a goal. Worry flecks the eye as each day goes by. It’s like the wind made you a part of my life, I didn’t see it but I felt it and now you are here. I want you to stay but I ask you not to, I want to give in but I try not to. I’m using my heart for two loving me and loving you. I know dreams don’t always come true but I still dream. I keep dreaming till the day comes that I stop breathing. And I would take on the world for all it’s put you through. Like gold in a mine like whispers to the blind. Like a shadow in the dark like a punch without a mark. I can’t remember the whole start, but please don’t break my heart, I fear that you will but I’m in love with you still. Like a school crush, I’m wasting time you’re in a rush… you want to move faster you think we running out of time. But let’s take it slow together we will get through, till one of us back down, I don’t want to lose you but maybe I do. Maybe that’s the plan, maybe I was never supposed to. I’m in trouble cause we different but we are a couple. Trap me when you do, kiss me if it’s true, hold me close to you and don’t let go until I ask you to. One road with two ends, a crazy heart race, I will only cross the finish line if destiny is mine. Lean over and look me in the eye, from many other girls “me” why?

I can never care enough so I just keep caring, like my heart keeps beating, what more to do with the time that we have… you don’t have to try to win me because you already did, I just don’t want to regret and I don’t want to forget, but enough about me this time it’s about you.





I can tell from you what I can’t see in me. I find in you what I want me to be… the mirror I have that walks beside me, and oaths never to leave me. Deeply we share this bond of trust; you never leave a word in darkness and tell me what you see as you see it. I am there for as you are here for me. I am to you a mirror and you are to me. Your loyalty proven at picking up a broken mirror to the floor and looking with love even at the broken pieces. See  in you not my flaws or proven not is the value of the best of ships…



Another time, new words to say, old word rephrased…

I have a proposal, my heart at your disposal, my yearn for your approval, I will try to make it crystal, cause really it is quite simple. Talking lengths, the long message I always sent, so I sent and as it went, I hated that it went. I put my mind and set it focused, I blind folded my heart I knew it would have worked, well I thought it will I really hoped it will. I even though it over, lost in wonder would I forget it when I’m older?

I didn’t know but I took a chance. They say set what you love free and I did, I don’t ever want to hold you back, I let you go time after time enough to know, you way go but will never actually leave, and when you gone I crave you with greed, so deep I can barely breathe. I took it easy then I stopped, a while of ponder at what I got. Too much, so much, I’ve never proven worthy of such. A tear drop, its flowing now, my sleeves are wet they soaking now, let go again, please tell me how. I manipulated myself and shortly after I fell, my screw ups sadden me, no cuffs though I still am not free. I have been reaping benefits, having fun on your credits, now I have to pay back for all the humility I lack. I been with perfect far too long, I regret the fact that this is wrong. We could fool the world thinking I settled for you, though I’m the true winner, it’s true, it’s true…

I raffled, and so did others, what makes me worthy of this win. There are more names on the list, it’s unfair that mine was picked lucky but weren’t picked first. I didn’t earn it, I just won, no I didn’t its temporary glory, and I’m just a part of the story. I’ve always played my cards right, been travelling on a single set flight, and it was light. Foolishly and blind I gained a few extra cards. I set them all in place tried keeping them without a face. Then it fell I need space.

You’re in my head even when I sleep, I’m into you and my feelings are deep. In love with a guy I might not have, love crossed the boundary, and it left heavier than it found me. It look over me and lashed my chest, I lost control and was weak to the rest. I fell so hard, now I’m trying to get up, see if I can make it without love. I’m done rehearsing these lines, I have practiced so many times, now that I act it, I wish I could eat it, erase it, or try and rephrase it. Do I deserve you? Will I ever. I speak with humility, you deserve better than me. I don’t doubt me, but you could make it without me, fighting for you to see or believe, you the one person I would have stayed true too, just me and you. You would know me on a bad day, and know me on a good day. I thought by now you would. I really thought you had me that you got me, I thought you saw what others were unable to, and I really wanted you to. It is too good to be true, that you love me and I love you…

But that’s the only part real about us; a love worth holding on to? I don’t want to come home to guy, and have him call me his wife, if I’m that part of his life and he sometimes say “Don’t lie” why? Why would i? If I were to lie, I wish I lied I love you, I wish but still it is true. I don’t want to, but I want to be with you. I’m not sure, but without you I’m sure I won’t get through.






Unveil the barrier between bad and good, hiding behind a wall of lies. Exposing the faith where opposites stood. The truth within me is beaten. Beyond the gaze and out of view, not all appearances are true. Fighting for justice for my defamation. The harsh reality of bad and good. The light gets trapped and I am imprisoned. Not all good seems like it should. Salvation that is my only wish, for even the heart keeps secrets from the mind. Unfulfilled it will forever remain. The greatest of treasures were lost in time. Wondering the earth with nothing to find, and so my life goes by. How can man base their facts on that which is placed on fictions back? Trapped within a world of hypocrisy, you always learn something as you go deeper. I look for shelter in deep pits said to hawed great treasure afraid of my reality upon whose lips of pleasure. A pure chest conceals dark emotions, I curl into a corner for I have heard darkness always has place for light. Hiding behind a wall my world becomes real. But clearly thoughts can be wrong. If everything is not as it seems, what of the shoved demons and evil spirits that roam free. Diamonds appear in the purest form and have great value. Manipulative mind things remained concealed my body is run by a psychotic brain. My view is still in the land of blind, yet I am able to see; diamonds cause more bloodshed than stones. Travel the wings of a dove and let peace prevail. The world and everything within shall seize to exist. Where lies joy and everlasting comfort for all the content of the world is made of two forces, one bad one good.

»FiriRaaTee Productions«


The air was heavy and atmosphere was cold, my grandmother’s death filled life with sadness, and pain.

The clouds covered the sun and everything was dull, everything had no value and life became an empty journey, warm tears rolled down my cold cheek, the bitterness of being alone was felt in every corner, lifeless she laid in a white cloth, the room was silent and my heart sunk as the cloth was drawn over her face, it was as if only I could hear the cries and feel the ache.

The most important stitch of belonging snapped and I fell far from happiness, I will never love again, my grandma was not just the most amazing person in the world, she blessed the world with the most amazing mom, and now I missed her.

My soul was bleeding and my wound was deepened, by the torment of just the word, “grandmother”, I’ve always understood the tenderness of death, I’ve witnessed and watched as many left this world, but I was older now, and my intellect was fair, I felt her departure, like a knife to my chest, I felt the sting of her leaving me, alone to this world.

How was I to judge her, for breaking a promise of always being there for me, in misery I lifted my hands and prayed for her journey to the lord, to be successful and pleasant, the convulsing discomfort of her absence.

In my weakest moment of loneliness, I dialled her number and it rang, but it didn’t go to voicemail, I couldn’t hear her voice and she was completely out of reach, a final breath that tore my wounded chest in tiny pieces, no choices I have to accept I have no grandparents…



“You have always kept it shadowed But now I feel the absence of your smile Miles apart yet so close to my heart… What is this strange consciousness I feel.

You have never been too far away But now I feel the piecing clutches that separates us Like a weapon of war I have been engulfed in battle The reality of the this remoteness wounds me deeply.

The least prediction of anguish kept me from preparing, my heart has been filled with poignancy Inferior to death, knowing you walk this earth while I walk alone.

The heights of tranquillity can fairly be reached, though your happiness charms the dampness of my eyes, gladden my spirit, and enchants my heart. Guilt raves through my body at the thought of letting you go and sobbing about it, knowing you have gotten what you always wanted, so with the blessings of my Lord, with the love of my heart, with peace of the sky and the cheer of faith, dismiss the ill and welcome the good, I pray you conquer the depths of hardship with ease.”



Alas!! There is so much more. I feel like talking I have no voice, so I rather listen this way nobody knows. My heart echo’s with the sound of my cry. My soul yearns for understanding. Why does it break me when you don’t mind… have I really given you my heart so much so that I feel double and all of your pain? I am the shadow behind your silent moves, the failure behind your foolish attempts, the pain behind your watered eyes the rage beyond your clenching first, so what am I to do when I can’t let you hurt alone never and the love I have for you is forever. Therein I’ll fight till my last breath and our only separation will be death.



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